Tales From the Night Shift

I just thought I'd share some of my good stories from working the night shift. I swear, the patients really come alive at night!

Once, I was taking some extra time to talk to a patient and watch a few minutes of TV with him. We were watching a poker tournament and the pot was pretty big. He looks up and asks me if I have a boyfriend. I said "No." to which he says, "Good, men are junk!" He then precedes to tell me that if he ever won $3 million in a poker tournament, that he would take me out to White Castle. I have to admit, whatever kind of junk men may be, that's the best offer I've had in months!

par⋅a⋅ple⋅gi⋅a [par-uh-plee-jee-uh, -juh] –noun Pathology. paralysis of both lower limbs due to spinal disease or injury-- Once, I had this sweet little old lady all weekend long. The first night I was with her, she slept the whole night through, not a peep. But the next night, now that was another story. The poor little thing had some bowel issues. To her claim, she could not walk, so asked for use of the bedpan. For those of you who know, using a bedpan can be kind of a pain, especially for the poor patient who has to use it, and it's only made harder by a lack of mobility. Anyway, she was on the light, all night long, requesting the bedpan. But also, for those of us who know the mechanics of using the bedpan, it is extremely helpful if the patient is able to turn themselves or lift their hips - well she was certainly able to lift her hips...which made me go "Hmm..." - questioning the strength of her legs. Anyway, finally, I thought she had gotten to sleep because she had been pretty quiet for a while. I'm doing my hourly rounds - when I walk past her room and hear a loud moan. Of course, jilted, I dash into her room - only to find her sitting upright in her chair. Naturally, my first thought was:
"How on earth did she get there...?"
So, I ask, "How did you get there?"
Her response, "That's a great question, and I've got a stupid answer - I don't know."
So, my priority is to get her safely back to bed. All the while I have the fear in the back of my head - I just know what's waiting for me in that chair...and I tried to shake it, but my gut proved correct. I guess she was tired of using the bedpan, who could blame her!? While I'm helping her stand and assessing the situation left behind in the chair, she goes,
"Now you have to help me, I can't walk."
Again, I think, "...What...?" So I say, "Of course, I'm right here..."
She then stands up, with little help from me, and yells,
"I'm a paraplegic!"
And my knee jerk (emphasis on the jerk) response was, "No, you're not!" So I get her cleaned up and she's ready for sleep when she asks me to turn the TV off for her. I turn it off using the button on the call light, but she apparently didn't like that. "No, no, turn it off up there," she says, pointing to the TV that is mounted about 7 feet in the air - clear above my towering 5 foot 3.
"I can't reach that." And I proceed to jump to prove my point. "See?"
"Well, next time, get a stool." She says.
I guess bedpans really do something to you.

I took a pretty sweet suckerpunch to the nose from a patient who didn't want his wound dressing changed. Can't say that I blame him.

A guy once told me he would prosecute me because he didn't want a bath.

This one is all on me, but the guy had a great sense of humor about it:
This happened during my first few weeks on the job, when I was nervous and doing everything within my power to impress the nurses. I had just finished transporting a patient from ER. I was in the room with him with the nurse when she asked me to go get something from the supply room. I was standing between the patient and his IV pole. And I ran like that IV line like a champ. Youd've thought I just finished a marathon the way I ran through that thing. In my haste and eagerness, I didn't bother to move AROUND the IV pole. To make matters worse, the guy had such terrible veins that it was in his neck! I gasp, and tell the nurse what I had done - we checked the site and it looked good still so we reattached the IV tubing. Upon further assessment of the site, it was no longer patent. It took 3 nurses 3 tries each to get a good stick somewhere else. But he was great about it. It was very hard for him to breathe, thus very hard for him to talk, but he managed to muster the breath to say to me, "It's...(gasp)...your...(gasp)...fault!(gasp)." My jaw dropped, and my eyes welled, but the smile on his face told me that he forgave me. For that I was thankful.


That's just the few that I can think of right now. I'm sure I will think of more, and encounter more. I'll be sure to keep you posted!

Ahh, how I love my job!